Its been a while, I know, but its just been one of those months where lots has happened but nothing really remarkable has come out of it all. This lack of remarkable activity has enabled me to do a little bit of introspection though, which is good once in a while. Hence, the title of this post: taken from the song of the same name which I've just recently re-discovered.
I'm starting with the man in the mirror: I'm asking him to change his ways.
No message could be any clearer; if you want to make the world a better place...
Take a look at yourself and make the change.
The message is clear, change begins with us: ourselves. We can neither change the world, our country or ourselves unless we start with ourselves! We can't expect other people to sort our lives out for us and we cannot make our happiness dependant on other people. Certainly I would be a lot poorer if it weren't for my friends and the joy they bring to my life - not to mention their wisdom and understanding. What I mean is, they can't physically change my mindset for me, I have to do that myself.
Some good advice I have received and taken note of;
- If you aren't content with being single, you won't be content in a relationship.
- Recognise the Power of Now.
- Cast all your burdens upon the Lord & trust again in the power of His love.
Bottom line No1: I want him back. Bottom line No2: I'm afraid that isn't possible. Therefore Bottom line No3: I'm stuck & torn.
The worst part of the whole situation - of the last 4 months - is that there is no escape. Day in, day out; we work together & day in, day out; he ignores, blanks, avoids & destroys me. Every single part of me screams "Why? What did I ever do to you?". Now believe me, I'm really trying to make the change - as the song says - but I can't. Not until I know what went wrong between us.
That is my reality. Still, aside from that sad fact of my life, I am trying to get on with everything else in a normal fashion. I go to work; pretend I'm not exhausted from sleepless nights, permanent tension & emotional uncertainty. I try to plan ahead because I know I've go to keep moving on; I want something to look forward to, but I know its going to be blighted. I understand that all of this, for however long it takes, will be worked out for some good in my life. I know I'm not equipt to comprehend the bigger picture of this life & that it has never been promised that our lives would be trouble free. I look forward to the day when all things are renewed to perfection. Nevertheless until that glorious day, here we are.
"He's not worth it". Very good advice from a dear friend after hearing again and again from me about my thoughts, doubts & questions. Part of me agrees with this, because anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a pushover. The other part of me: the part that let him in, that held him dear, that connected with him as he read me like a book, that wanted the best of everything for him, that felt comfortable, safe, accepted & happy in his presense, wonders if we might be able to have that again. Ever more so, it fears what will happen if it can't.
Ironically, he used to say I was his mirror; that I showed him the person he wanted to be. That just occured to me as ironic as I looked again at the title of this blog. Because we are only human: we know we shouldn't rely on others for our own sense of self-worth, our self-esteem and yet we do. When I take a look at the man in the mirror these days I don't like the person I see and, believe me, the person I see there has seen better days too. The person I see there was never one to go with the flow or do something because someone else did it or approved of it. She never let anything come between her and her happiness. She was in control of the decisions affecting her life and she made them - after some deliberation - for her own benefit. She wasn't driven by fear or unhappiness. She was happy with her lot in life, not because she was earning a great deal or held a position of prestige, but because she had found a place to do her working life, a place where she felt she belonged.
He was the completion of that happiness. Not least because he understood the nature & odd patterns of her working life. He came, made her happy and then went again, leaving her broken.
She often wonders if it would've been better if they didn't work in the same place... On the one hand, they would never have met. On the other, none of this would be happening - work would've continued to be her happy place.
The soundtrack to her life at the moment is sad songs. Songs have always had special meanings to her and she has always associated them with different people & memories. Here's the playlist of her life from the last few months:
When I was Your Man - Bruno Mars, Talking To The Moon - Bruno Mars, Let Her Go - Passenger, Try - Pink, Just Give Me A Reason - Pink, Black Heart - Stooshe, Breathing - Jason Derulo, Because You Live - Jesse McCartney, The Rose - Westlife, Count On Me - Bruno Mars & I See The Light - Disney's Tangled.
I apologise to any of you who have had the misfortune to read as far down as here in this blog :) because its not very uplifting reading and it almost feels like a failure to me to be typing this - because there is so much more to life. I do realise that, but every so often we do need some perspective on life and a place to vent our anger. A reminder that we are important but also that we are not to be self-centred.
Tomorrow is another day and every day has the potential for beauty.
