I just wanted to put that preface here because although I want to talk about him, who I am also plays a part in the story. We met at work and for a few months were not even on each other's radar, but in the run-up to Christmas of 2012 he sought me out; got my number, began chatting to me & eventually suggested a seasonal shopping trip to Brighton. Our first date! I still think of it as a date because although we got together 5 weeks later, it was the start: I discovered a man who not only liked me, but was like me. Thus I remember that day clearly, clearer even than January 20th, the day I said yes to him. Yet I remember January 20th like it was yesterday-which is odd for me. I remember February 23rd with a great deal more clarity than I would like as well; it was the last day we were together...
A great deal happened between those dates & a great deal has happened since then and now: it has been like riding a rollercoaster, "to experience a period of happiness or the like, followed by a contrasting period of despair, or the like". There have been some constants for which I am grateful, such as the listening ears & comforting words of friends and the all-consuming distraction of work. Yet in the dark, lonely nights when memories resurface, in the exhaustive waits for texts or a kind word from him and now as I am increasingly certain he is lost to me forever, it feels as if "up" is the last place I'm going. Of course I have asked myself "why?"... there have been so many of these that I've stopped thinking on them but sometimes the questions force themselves back in. This is why I've titled this blog as I have-the song seems fitting at the moment...and today has been an especially bad day.
Today was the day I finally began to believe that I need to put him behind me, or at least try to. Perhaps I've made myself believe this since he hasn't actually been around this week. I had high hopes that we would be friends: he said we would be. I believed we would have a chance to discuss things because he assured me that, in time, we would. I was confident that his past meant he wouldn't mess me around...ever. None of these are the case. I'm tired of feeling utterly depressed because of him. We texted each other yesterday, nothing of any significance, but perfectly pleasant and I thought he was going to be up the bar at work last night from that conversation. He never showed up, ignored my texts during the evening and then for his piéce de resistance deleted me off of Facebook...when I asked for a reason, he fobbed me off. I recovered myself by staying in bed until 3pm & eating junk food. Great. All the good I was working on while we were together-the good stuff for me-being on a diet and going to the gym has totally gone out of the window.
Remembering the good times does help. If it were the case that we didn't work together day in, day out I might even have been able to focus on these at the exclusion of everything else. The problem I have when it comes to him is that everytime I see him and he's not smiling, I want to be the thing that changes that. Like I used to be. I catch myself sounding like a woman whose husband of 40 years has just passed away, but we were close because we are so similar & our differences complimented each other. I let him in like no other person ever in my entire life and now I'm paying the price for diving in head first. Yet shouldn't we?? If we meet someone who we believe we have a connection with, shouldn't we seize the opportunity of happiness and the potential for someone to do life with? The answer of course, is of course. As Doctor Seuss says, and we should probably take notice since he is making sense for once; "Don't cry because its over: smile because it happened".
There is so much I miss-about him, about us though. Our lives-together and apart-are forever altered because of our relationship-our past. I struggle daily with balancing my compassion for him and my need to care for myself; to ensure I keep up my own self-esteem and -respect. Still when I think of my right to be happy-and I laugh at myself as I type this-I come full circle and my mind returns to him. It returns to him and to the realisation that dawned on me the first time he held my hand as we walked side-by-side: happiness before him was nothing compared to happiness with him. Thus I suppose I need to begin redefining my take on the word happiness... *It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live* and when the aftermath of my break-up with him starts to have an effect on my work as well, then that is not right or fair-on me or anyone else.
...even when the memories pinch your heart...the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.
Alysha Speer
Right now, I've found posting all of these thoughts strangely cathartic for me. There is the need to go on, because no matter how much one person makes our world or is our world-at the end of the day they are not our entire world. Many people cared for me before he was on the scene and continue to do so. The shame of the matter is really for him...when I come to think of it. If he wants to push people away and alienate them then his life really will be a self-fulfilling prophesy and that is a shame. Until then, I gave him an ultimatum of sorts today; namely that we have to talk soon. He owes me that much and I happen to think it will be good for both of us because I still have no idea of why he chose to end it when he did. I know that I'm a pretty fierce friend, I make attatchments quickly and if I open up to you then I think you're worthy of my trust and so it is his loss if he shuns what I've been offering for the last 2 months: my care for him. Partly it is because of just how profound this experience has been for me, that I wanted to record it. By making it a chapter in my life, I can bring it to a close-hopefully that will be soon. I'll keep you posted.
By the way, italics are used instead of his name; I'm not publishing any personal details that don't belong to me, that would be unfair and improper.
This is simply my account of this time of my life.
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